Love and Gumtrees
by Kelly Holden
Summary: Harry is sent to Australia to keep him safe from Voldemort. Things happen. HarryRon slash. (written prior to OotP, probably not going to be udated again)
1. Beginnings

This story contains slash, specifically the Harry/Ron pairing, as well as some OFC/OFC. You don't like it, go away. You do like, speak friend, and enter. (LotR reference).  
  
This story is set in Australia. I'm horrid at naming things (I once had a toy rabbit called Rabbit, and I was about eight at the time). As a result, everything is named after Aussie flora or fauna, and any clearly Aboriginal personal name has been borrowed from someone famous, for example the Namatjira family: Albert Namatjira, an artist; Oodgeroo Snape (nee Namatjira): Oodgeroo Noonuccal, writer formerly known as Kath Walker. The Gumtree (Australian Wizard school) school houses are Taipan (Slytherin), Wombat (Hufflepuff), Kangaroo (Gryffindor), and Cockatoo (Ravenclaw). Many of the Aboriginal myths and customs I use are from the book 'Stradbroke Dreamtime' by Kath Walker/Oodgeroo Noonuccal.  
  
Disclaimer: It's not *my* sandbox, Ms Rowling. I know in theory this disclaimer offers me no legal protection, but it would be nice if you didn't sue me for writing this. Mind you, I think you'd have trouble finding me if you did want to sue, and I don't have anything worth taking except a portable stereo, a winter jacket, a watch, and a very cheap portable CD player. I have an income of just $AU50 a week, most of which goes on food or bus fare.  
  
Love and Gumtrees.  
  
"Aisha!" An Aboriginal boy of about fifteen called across the currently not in use Quidditch pitch to his friend.  
  
Aisha, a pretty young Arab woman about the same age as the boy, and the rather scrawny white tomboy accompanying her, looked over to him.  
  
"Where ya bin, Kyle?" called the white girl.  
  
"Principal Phillips' office, Kel," replied Kyle, when he caught up to them. "I had to talk to Dad, and he and Mrs Phillips were arranging something with Professor Dumbledore, from iHogwarts/i," he stopped to pant. "Harry Potter might be coming here to keep him safe from He Who Must Not Be Named!"  
  
*****  
  
The same time of day, local time, on the other side of the world.  
  
"Potter, get the door," Dudley Dursley snapped at Harry.  
  
Harry walked to the front door, and opened it.  
  
"Hello Professor Snape," he found himself saying, to his complete surprise.  
  
"Potter, are your aunt and uncle in?" Snape asked.  
  
Harry shook his head. "What did you want?"  
  
"The Headmaster sent me to talk to them. He has a plan to keep you safe since the Dark Lord has returned, but he needs their permission."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"He plans to send you to Australia."  
  
"I think you had better come in," Harry found himself saying.  
  
"Who's at the door, Potter?" asked Dudley, who'd come to investigate, once Harry had gotten his teacher inside. The diet he'd started the previous year had worked, and as a result he wasn't anywhere near as large as he'd been before, although still unusually beefy.  
  
"Dudley, this is Professor Snape, a teacher at my school. Professor, this is my cousin Dudley Dursley."  
  
"Oh, so he's here to see you. What's he teach?"asked Dudley.  
  
"Potions. And he's here to see your parents, although it's about me."  
  
Dudley smirked. "What'd he do wrong? He only came back yesterday."  
  
"Despite your cousin's penchant for rule breaking, Dursley, this visit is about Potter's safety, not any infraction of Hogwarts' rules or Wizarding law."  
  
"What's ihe/i need keeping safe from, anyway?" asked Dudley with a sneer. "Apart from Mumsy and dad when they find out he let you into the house."  
  
"The Dark Lord and his followers, Dursley. He Who Must Not Be Named is as determined to kill Potter as he was 14 years ago, before Potter proved his downfall, by mere fortuitous chance most likely."  
  
"Who?" asked Dudley.  
  
"Dudley," said Harry, "think Hitler. Add magic, only this time it's Muggles he doesn't like, not Jews."  
  
Dudley blanched considerably.  
  
"A Dark Wizard only needs his wand and a simple incantation to kill, too," added Harry, feeling vindictive.  
  
Dudley fainted.  
  
"Would you like to sit down in the living-room, Professor, and wait for my Aunt and Uncle to get back?" Harry asked Snape.  
  
**********  
  
Back in Australia...  
  
"Kyle Snape, 2 Points from Cockatoo house for inattention. Now pay attention, or it'll be more, I'm trying to teach you," the teacher, a rather grizzled Aboriginal wizard, said to Kyle, who'd been talking to Aisha.  
  
"Yes Grampa, it's just tea leaves are a very iwhite/i method of divination."  
  
"You're not the only child in my class, Kyle. There are five people in this class with no Aboriginal blood at all, and iyou/i have a British father in case you've forgotten."  
  
"Sorry Grampa."  
  
"Perhaps you'd better Floo to the UK and apologise to your Snape Grandfather, or is Floo too Caucasian a Magic for you?"  
  
"I get the point Grampa."  
  
"Well, what is it?"  
  
"Our quality of life has improved markedly since the whole invasion-thingy even if we didn't want them here in the first place, and it's a bit silly to be racist towards half your heritage," said Kyle, with the air of someone repeating their times-tables.  
  
"Finish drinking your tea, Kyle. I want to know if you're going to die soon," interrupted Kel. Kyle shot her a death glare.  
  
"I'm not complaining Mr Namatjira, but couldn't we have had this lesson in a classroom, instead of out here? This sun's no good for me," another white girl, a blonde one, whined in a rather English sounding accent.  
  
Kel raised an eyebrow. "I'm out here, aren't I? Besides, it's the day before the winter holidays start. I hate to think what you'd be like in February."  
  
"Kelsie, you're a vampire. I know you can make potions to deal with that, but I'm an English rose!" whined the blonde.  
  
"Maria Malfoy, Kelsie Snape, 10 points each from Taipan. Now get on with it," said Mr Namatjira. "Perhaps you had better bring a parasol to your next outdoor lesson, Maria, to protect your oh-so-delicate skin. Are there any Veela in your family?"  
  
"Of course not! The Malfoys are pureblood to the core!"  
  
"In other words, inbred," remarked an Aboriginal boy.  
  
"Matthew Namatjira..."  
  
"Sorry Grampa!"  
  
*******  
  
Harry stumbled out the international floo fireplace in the Ministry of Magic, Canberra, after accidently detouring via Austria iand/i New Zealand.  
  
"What took you so long?" asked Ron with a grin.  
  
"Remember when I got lost on the way to Diagon Alley? Same thing, only I can't walk here from Wellington or Vienna like I could from Knockturn Alley."  
  
"No, it is a bit far. You have trouble with Floo, then Harry?" said a wizard who looked like an older, tanned, less sour version of Professor Snape. Since Harry had been told they were staying with Professor Snape's brother, Harry wasn't that surprised. He was standing beside their trunks.  
  
"Perhaps we had better catch a Muggle bus to Wattle Crescent, then, and we can arrange a portkey to Gumnut village from there. I can get Missy, my house elf, to come pick the trunks up."  
  
"Yeah, cool," enthused Ron, clearly excited about using Muggle transport.  
  
"Oh, good," said Harry faintly, still feeling queasy from his three leg long-distance floo journey.  
  
Much like the the portkey journey to the Quidditch World Cup nearly a year ago, Ron managed to land on Harry as they landed. It ifelt/i different this time, though. It felt warm, and nice, and rather tingly, the same sort of tingly Harry usually felt when thinking about Cho, or the few times he'd touched himself late at night. When Ron got to his feet, and helped Harry to his own, he was clearly bright red, but Harry immediately dismissed the momentary notion the landing having the same affect on Ron as it had had on himself was the reason Ron was blushing. Harry spent the walk from the village square, where the portkey had landed them, to Mr Snape's house ignoring Mr Snape's commentary, and telling himself strictly that he was inot /i gay. No way, no how. He liked Cho, didn't he?  
  
  
  
Next chapter: Kelsie and Kyle make bad first impressions, and what is a Malfoy doing in the colonies, anyway? Apart from fulfilling the whingy pom stereotype, that is.  
  
See the blue button down there? *Points down* Please feed the Author. 


	2. Australiana

Anachronism warning. Despite the fact that Harry Potter's years at Hogwarts can be dated using a particular event in his second year, I've written assuming this is today, despite that according to the dating Harry would be several years out of Hogwarts by now. As a result some things are a little anachronistic, (such as Kelsie referring to 'Parenting Payment' rather than 'Single Parent Pension' in this chapter, and possible later references to movies which may not've been out at the time according to the dating)  
  
Australian culture warning: The epithet 'Muddle-Headed Wombat' refering to persons in Wombat house is a reference to the children's books by Ruth Park about a wombat who is indeed 'Muddle Headed'  
  
Slash warning: In case you didn't get it in the first chapter, this story is about a homosexual relationship between Harry Potter and his friend Ron Weasley. They are not 'legal' (over the age of consent, whether here or in their own country) as of yet, but I don't intend to make them do anything much more than kiss. As well as the OFC/OFC mentioned last chapter there will also be some Harry/OMC (Kyle), but mild and non-serious, with an intent to help Harry come to grips with his homosexuality (and make our dear Ronnikins jealous).  
  
Octavius could hear Kyle and Kelsie fighting as he, Harry Potter and his red-headed friend approached Paperbark House's front door. Kyle and Kelsie had a tendency to fight rather violently, throwing spells, hexes, and the loose contents of a room at each other, sometimes wandlessly. He really didn't want Harry walking into that, but it seemed they were in the front room. Thankfully they never seemed to break anything, but anyone who knew them kept out of the way. Unfortunately, due to the time differences between Britain and Australia, it was very likely Harry and his friend would be very tired, and thus wanting to go to bed, so sitting on the front verandah 'til things quietened down wasn't an option. Paperbark House was large, so the back door was nearly a 300 metre walk away, plus the staircase to the bedrooms was in the front room, anyway. He stopped a few metres from the front door. "Just stay here you two. The twins are fighting again. I'll try to calm them down so it'll be safe to go in," Octavius explained to Harry and his friend. Unfortunately a vase with a bludger charm on it was hovering near the front door, and when Octavius opened the door it flew out. Octavius was partly behind the door, but Harry had nothing to hide behind, except maybe Ron, who he clearly didn't think of in time.  
  
*******  
  
Harry awoke with a pounding headache, and Ron, Mr Snape, a house elf, and a boy and a girl about his own age looking at him with worry. Correction, most of them looked worried. The girl certainly didn't. The girl was also almost startlingly unattractive. She bore an over-large resemblance to her father, was unnaturally pale, and seemed to be all angles. The boy was much better looking, a veritable Ganymede apart from the milk-chocolate coloured skin (as opposed to the original who, being Greek, must've been olive). I'm not gay. I'm not gay, Harry told himself. This isn't working, he added seconds later, as his body started to ignore him. "Sorry about the vase," said the girl, who didn't sound in the least bit sorry about it. "Harry Potter is awake now. Missy was very worried about Harry Potter. Miss Kelsie is a very bad girl, hurting you like that. Master Kyle is bad, too, because he got Miss Kelsie angry by saying nasty things about Miss Maria, but he is not the one enchanting the vase to be like a bludger, no," said the house-elf, with several death glares at the girl during this speech. "So that's how the fight started. Kyle, what were you saying about Maria?" asked Mr Snape. "I just said I don't think Maria is suitable company for Kel to keep, that's all Dad." "He isaid/i all Malfoys are Dark wizards, despite the fact that Mary was going to Beauxbatons, or whatever it's called and then got sent out here, all so she couldn't embarrass her cousin Draco by anyone finding out that she's related to him, her mother's not a proper supporter of the Dark Lord, and she's a bastard," said Kelsie, adding her own two knuts worth, counting Maria's embarrassments on her fingers. Ron looked confused. "I thought all Malfoys..." "Literally, Weasley. Illegitimate, not Slytherinesque from a Gryffindor viewpoint," interrupted Kelsie bad-temperedly. "Miss Kelsie should be leaving now," ordered the house-elf. "Harry Potter should be resting. You is too nasty to is being around sick people." Kelsie glared at the elf, and sloped away bad-temperedly. "Come on Harry, we'd better get up to bed. It's one in the morning back home. We can start getting used to Australian time tomorrow," said Ron.  
  
*******  
  
Harry awoke with a gasp, sticking to the sheets. The wall clock, which for some odd reason was read anti-clockwise, read three, in the afternoon going by the light. After dressing, he wandered back downstairs to the front room. Kyle, Kelsie and two other girls were playing Exploding Snap. One, going by the resemblance to Draco Malfoy, was probably Maria, the other girl appeared Arabic or something Middle Eastern. "Oh, you're up," said Kyle, spotting Harry near the door. "Like some lunch?" "It's ten past three, ya drongo," said the Arab girl. "Most of us had lunch two hours ago." "Afternoon tea then?" Kyle continued in the same tone of polite inquiry, almost as if the Arab girl hadn't spoken. Harry's stomach chose that moment to rumble loudly. "I guess that's a 'yes' then," said Kelsie, without looking up from the game. "'Aisha, it's your turn." "Oh," said the Arab girl, who must've been 'Aisha, "right." Kyle, Kelsie, Maria and 'Aisha returned their attention to the game, leaving Harry standing there awkwardly, before he was rescued and fed by Missy.  
  
*******  
  
Most of the school holidays passed without major incident. 'Aisha and Maria seemed to be fixtures in Paperbark House, Harry and Ron quickly learnt to keep out of the way when Kyle and Kelsie fought, and Harry finally came to the inescapable conclusion he was indeed homosexual, and far fonder of Ron then he should be. Not that Harry was very happy about any of it. The twins tended to ignore him and Ron when their friends were there, Kelsie was rather bad tempered at times, and Harry didn't want to be gay. He didn't have problems with the idea of other people being gay, he'd just rather not be gay himself, which was rather confusing, since it appeared he didn't have much choice in the matter. Being in love with (or lust, or having a crush on, whatever) one of his best friends was also rather worrying to Harry. Even after the Yule ball, at which she'd shone, Harry had considered Hermione off limits for dating purposes, and Ginny as well just for good measure. If he was gay that made Ron off limits, and the Weasley twins as well just for good measure. Or something like that.  
  
********  
  
Harry was sitting on the back verandah of Paperbark House, looking at the orange sunset, and trying not to think about his problems. He was joined by Kelsie. "School's goin' back tomorra," she pointed out lazily, dropping onto the step beside him, before taking another swig from the red can she held. "yeah, it is, isn't it," replied Harry, trying not to think about joining a whole schoolful of boy-who-lived groupies who didn't know a thing about him that wasn't in a book or the newspaper, but thought because they'd read these things they knew him. "'Ey, don't worry, Harry. You'll be fine. Ya got Ron, and Kylie and me'll make sure no one ya don't want bothering ya bother's ya." "Kylie?" Harry found himself asking. "Don't tell him I called him that, but if you ask me, the female bestest best friend is a little suspicious," said Kelsie. "Really?" said Harry with a raised eyebrow. He hoped Kelsie was just using 'Aisha being his best friend as an excuse to pick on her brother, and didn't actually mind if Kyle was what she was implying. "I mean, 'Aisha's gorgeous, yet he's willing to swear black and blue 'Aisha isn't his girlfriend, and even iI've/i got a girlfriend and you'd think it'd be harder for me to get one than for him to get one." Harry choked and fell sideways off the step, landing in the herb garden, squashing the basil and some mint. "Not Maria, Harry," clarified Kelsie. "Maria's way too whingy. 'Sides, Erin and I were together before Maria came to Australia." "What is Maria doing here, anyway? It was never really explained," said Harry, glad for a change of subject, as he picked himself up "Well, her uncle decreed when she was old enough to start school that she couldn't go the same school as her cousin Draco, in case it got out precisely how she's related to him. Anyway, when You Know Who managed to get himself resurrected, her uncle who was, like, a Death Eater told her mum to go abroad. Right that second practically. Maria moved here in the middle of second term." "So how are Maria and Draco Malfoy related? And how come her uncle bossed them about like that?" "Maria's mum was Maria's aunt's husband's mistress, so Draco and Mary are half-sibs and cousins, but the official connection is just cousins. Anyway, you ever heard of the 'golden rule'- whoever has the gold makes the rules? Well, without the handouts from Mr Malfoy, Maria and her mum would essentially have no money. Miss Malfoy would probably be allowable for Parenting Allowance, or whatever the Pommy equiv. is, but they're used to living in a manner way beyond the means of a welfare mum. Basically, Mr Malfoy gets to boss 'em around 'cause he's got the ... er... Pommy wizard money's 'Galleons' isn't it?" "Yeah." "Well, Mr M's got the Galleons."  
  
*******  
  
First day of school. Arriving at the school, 'Gumtree Academy of the Magical Arts', sometime before the bell rang, Harry was slightly surprised when a short white girl with long wavy brown hair and very large breasts practically pounced on Kelsie with a squeal of "Kel!!!" Kelsie hugged her back. "I've missed you Erin. How were the holidays with your Muggles?" "All right. Step-dad's still a bastard, but all right. How were yours, Kel?" Erin asked into Kelsie's bosom. "Boring. I hate being stuck indoors during the day, but as you know the potion isn't safe to use all the time, and Maria Malfoy is the whingiest person I'm ever had the 'honour' to call a friend. I'd almost rather spend time with a Muddle-Headed Wombat." "She's a pom, right girly? She can't help it. Mind you, she's right attractive," pointed out Erin, excaving her face from Kelsie's chest to look at her directly. "I had noticed. She's also straight as anything, hon." Standing around in the cold (by Australian standards) wind beneath the gum trees waiting for the bell to ring for the assembly, and diligently trying to ignore Kelsie and Erin being soppy, was a fifteen minutes Harry could think of far better things to do with. Finally the bell rang. After the rather embarrassing introduction by the headmistress, Mrs Phillips, Harry was sat down on the concrete block at the front of the quadrangle (the one that held up the flag pole) and the Gumtree sorting hat was placed on his head. *Hmm* said the hat, in a unmistakably feminine voice. *How interesting. You were Gryffindor at Hogwarts, yet what I see is far more Slytherin. Cunning and intelligence, and a dark side to your soul you probably don't even know is there. You're not going into Kangaroo. You're more of a* "Taipan!" announced the hat. Next was Ron's turn. In a few seconds the hat decided "Kangaroo!" After the other business of morning assembly was covered, they were dismissed. A tall skinny witch with close-cropped ash-blonde hair handed him a timetable. "I'm Miss Willow, your head of house. The others should help you find the rooms your classes are in. You've got Care of Magical Creatures with me first if you're sticking with the electives you told Mr Snape you'd be doing." A short Aboriginal witch with waist length corn-rowing was talking to Ron not far from him. Miss Willow saw him watching. "That's Miss Namatjira, She's head of Kangaroo." "Come on Harry. You're doing COMC? We better go now," said Kyle pushing through the curious crowd surrounding Harry.  
  
*******  
  
There was something vaguely disconcerting about the fact Ron seemed to be ignoring him. Ron managed to get himself partnered with a rather giggly Aboriginal witch for the lesson, which concerned a magical reptile known as a 'Rainbow serpent' or 'Pride snake' as Miss Willow had joked. Harry hadn't gotten the joke until Kyle, who Harry had ended up working with, told Harry it was mostly common knowledge among the Gumtree students that Miss Willow and Miss Namatjira (Kyle's Aunty Michelle and Aunt Mikki) were a couple. At the end of the lesson Harry's snake refused to go back. "It's all right, Harry," soothed Miss Willow, observing Harry's attempts to coax the serpent back into the box. "They do get attached sometimes, especially to Parseltongues. I'll let you keep him if you want, since he'll probably get hurt if you force him to stay."  
  
Recess was tense. Ron was blatantly ignoring Harry, and Ron's new 'friend', Krystal, spent most of it talking loudly about how much of a shock it was that The Boy Who Lived was a iTaipan/i of all the houses at Gumtree, and that he'd adopted 'one of those horrible creatures from their Care of Magical creatures lesson'. Kyle insisted Harry ignore it, and if he had to make a scene wait until they went home that afternoon where only Kyle, Kelsie, Mr Snape and maybe Maria, 'Aisha, and Erin would hear, rather than the whole school. Kelsie on the other hand told Harry, ivery loudly/i, that if Ron had decided to end the friendship because of how Harry had sorted Ron might as well go back to 'Pommy-land' tomorrow, since he'd only come to keep Harry company, anyway.  
  
Next chapter: The 'scene' Kyle told Harry not to make, and Harry's first kiss.  
  
See the little blue botton there? *points down* Please feed the Author. 


End file.
